Tuesday, February 24, 2009

This is Vanderleun's original all around apology which is what I meant to post the other day when I posted "The Rules" instead which call for these words:
"I come to you today penitent, conscience-stricken, regretful and contrite. I have been touched by your pain and deeply regret my words. I repent them with every shred of my soul. I am, for having hurt your feelings and bruised your tender buttons, a base and abject man mortified by my cheesy, contemptible, insignificant,. shabby, small, and pathetic being. I know now the low things I have said and I am filled with remorse, melancholy, and self-reproach. If I could have myself flogged fleshless by an flock of Carmelite nuns on Methamphetamine I would so. But I can't locate those sisters right now, so I must continue to apologize.

I therefore continue to apologize.

I am so wretched to have said the bad words to you. They may well have been true, but I forgot that your feelings, no matter how puerile, always trump the truth in this world. So I admit that even though they were true, my words were unworthy of me and hurtful to you. I see your raw suppurating feelings oozing to the top of your mind and erupting from your mouth wrapped around your screams. I shall carry that Polaroid with me for the rest of my days right next to the organ donor card in my wallet. Can I fill one out for you?

But I digress.

I am compelled by my inner idiot to say that I bleed for you, wish only to console you, empathize with you, and open my heart in an anguished lament that my words, wittingly or unwittingly, have raised upon your soul these unlanced boils of your metaphysical angst. It is my hope you will allow me to lance them and to bandage them in the saline soaked cloth of a this apology.

I come before you today an abashed, chagrined, conscience stricken, guilty, shamed, demeaned, crestfallen, humiliated, penitent and mortified man. I can only seek, humbly, that one thing that will make me whole again after ripping the flesh of your feelings so senselessly. That one thing is the infinite balm of your acceptance of this, my guilty apology, and your forgiveness.

In this I hope to be resurrected to the realm of the acceptably human. I live in this hope because I have a deep and abiding faith that although I am really, really sorry, you are the one person in the universe who is a sorrier son-of-a-bitch than I am.

Thank you for letting me share."

5 comments:

Gecko said...

Dear Gecko,

I offer my most abject and profuse apologies for my disgusting and vile behavior of Saturday evening, for which I am mortally ashamed. I was determined to end my life immediately upon returning home, but thought that would be less painful than reliving the event and punishing myself night and day for the remainder of this pathetic life. Were I to live 100 years that would not be enough time to suffer all the embarrassment resulting from the sordid events of Saturday evening. If only the swamis are right and we are reborn endlessly for all eternity until reaching the ultimate state of enlightenment, perhaps then there will be enough time for me to prostrate myself before you and your various future incarnations to beg for your forgiveness for my most heinous and mortal sins.

I fall down on my knees before you to clutch at your ankles and beg your forgiveness. I will flagellate myself until gallons of my blood have fertilized the earth in an attempt (which I know must be vain) to purge the vile poison that courses through my veins, which led to the outburst of insanity to which your most tender soul was brutally subjected.

Only my earnest desire to spare you further remembrance of my transgression causes me to end this missive, which I would otherwise continue until the universe ran out of electrons with which to transmit this most humble, abject, submissive, contrite confession of mortification and guilt.

Yours in sackcloth and ashes,

S F B

PS The tangerines were great and the juice should be great for rubbing into the wounds (see above).
A Satsuma tree has been ordered; it and its descendants, should serve me well in the coming generations required to fully expiate my crime.

Gecko said...

Dear S,
Your apology certainly is a beginning.
I will consider the terms of your forgiveness.
H

Anonymous said...

Dear Gecko,
Afore said apology is all well and good, but lest we forget the true origin of insidious indiscretion aimed at your generous unguarded heart, ultimate and final atonement cannot be met. I am remorseful of this pathetic attempt to reclaim your good and trusted opinion of me, ( which is in deepest danger) due to the thoughtless inclusion of dinner guest Sat. evening. While I had no reason to suspect a wolf in sheep's clothing, I take full and ultimate responsibility for the vicious invasion of the most holy and private of inner sanctums, your home.
I truly hope that this heartfelt but inadequate apology of mine and said guest will enable you to embark upon a speedy recovery so we may ultimately put aside differences to make room for the inevitable new ones I fear are to come.

The Humbled Friend

Gerard said...

You'll get no apologies from me, you ungrateful bastards!

No more I'm sorry. I'm sick to death of it all!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Geckco.